Games People Play

My high brow/low brow dichotomy will have to wait until tomorrow.

Jenners is hosting a new game, and I think everyone should play. It's in honor of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which is an international literary parody contest that honors the memory of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.
My entries.

"He looked briefly to the West, then briefly to the North; the wind whipped his hair up into a 'fro, and he looked, then, South. She was coming up behind him, which was the only direction he hadn't looked, and the door swung shut behind him as they realized: they were locked out of the only cabin for hundreds of miles, and she had to use the bathroom."
From Look Homeward, Young Santa

"The flowers were wilting in the front yard, in front of the old yellowing cedar-paneled house, where he had stood waiting, for years upon years, until he just couldn't stand waiting one moment longer, and, in doing so, with every fiber of his being, he continually reminded himself that not doing something, anything at all, was indeed a choice.."
From Please Just Finish the Thought, a Hero's Story

"She had started down this very path many times and nearly had it memorized with its birch trees flanking the silvery path, and little did she know that the Woodsman would save her from the Wolf on this very spot on which she stood, at the beginning of the tale."
From Little Red Ruin Hood

"He gazed at her longingly, much like a five-year old child gazes out the car window at McDonald's Playland after an eight-hour road trip with no bathroom breaks."
From Goodbye Cruel World