Thursday, April 30, 2009

Writer's Workshop: No, I Would Not Give You False Hope

Every week, I check out MamaKat's writing prompts, and yet another week appears with a prompt perfectly suited to my needs today. Actually, a 2-for-1:
4.) Have you thought about shutting down your blog? Why haven't you and what would cause you to make that decision final?
5.) Today I will...

Today I will shut down my blog. No, wait, that was just a comment I left recently. I will not be shutting down, sorry to disappoint. However, I have been reading quite a bit lately about those out there that are shuttering blogs, or are debating so.

Today I was barreling along, in between one mundane appointment to another mundane errand, toting along my 22-mo old toddler who was very bitter about being strapped into his stroller->carseat->stroller, ad infinitum.

My toddler does not prefer to be tied down. Strapped in. Told where to sit, and for how long. He resents being told where he needs to be, for how long, with whom he can play, that he must not climb over the baby gate, change his wet socks, when he must eat, and that he can't go outside when it's 50 degrees and raining. HE would prefer to make all of those decisions himself, thank you.

I totally understand his plight.

Back to barreling down said road, pacifying said bitterness; "Mother and Child" by Paul Simon came on.

No I would not give you false hope On this strange and mournful day But the mother and child reu-nion Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

How could I possibly be bitter myself, about this new "occupation" that I've been tasked with? How could I possibly resent the place I've found myself in at times? How could I be jealous of working professionals? It's unfair and un-motherly and unnatural, to resent one's own stay-at-home-station. Right?

I've been rather emotional lately, or at least today. My eyes welled up with tears. I fast-forwarded 13 years. I don't know why I chose thirteen, but just go with me. I pictured a bitter, resentful teenager, who constantly wanted to be away from me. Hanging with his friends. A young man who picked up on his Mommy's own bitterness and chose not to hug and spend time on lunch dates with Mom, but instead head towards the skating park/soccer field/ice rink/you get it.

I know I can't control everything. Least of all these emotions. But it made me realize that I can control my focus. And if I continue to focus on what I don't have (job out of the house) and what I do not get to do (lunch with friends) and instead decide to cuddle, hug, have dates with, and generally fall in love with spending time with my firstborn, adorable little cherub of a son (see? I can do it), then my attitude will change.

So you see, I want to blog about this. I need to blog about this. I need this outlet, and I need the will to get it out there. Thanks for listening.

(Wait, CDB. This wasn't funny today. I want my money back.)
Trying to talk a toddler into eating something he has just spit out is like asking for your sandwich on regular bread at the bagel shop. It doesn't make sense, it won't work, and it will just make everyone uncomfortable.


Anonymous,  April 30, 2009 at 1:46 PM  

I'm feeling a little hormonal myself right now. I cried three times yesterday for no apparent reason.

I really do think that being at home is pretty darn cool. We'll be back in the work force before we know it.

Hope all is well.

septembermom April 30, 2009 at 2:04 PM  

You're so right about focusing on the happy moments of being mommy right now. They are teens before you know it. My twelve year old son is learning to tune me out most of the time. When he was little, he wanted my attention all the time. The blog is helping me voice my frustrations and joys regularly. It's a great purge for those up and down emotions! Cute picture of your little guy:)

Erin April 30, 2009 at 3:32 PM  

Stopping by from MamaKat's

Your son is adorable...I have a 23 month old and know the trials you are going will pass soon enough...don't sweat the small stuff!

buffalodick April 30, 2009 at 4:54 PM  

Do not ever be selfish. Your job is to raise that child to be free, productive, and caring of the last generation, and the one coming behind him- just like you..Kahlil Gibran wrote in his book "The Prophet", "Children are from you, they do not belong to you"... They are yours to guide and nurture. they are not your possession, no matter how you feel.

Jeanne April 30, 2009 at 5:19 PM  

Oh my god, what an adorable little face!

(BTW -- When I did my flash fiction post a few weeks ago, Lilly asked me to do a flash fiction prompt. It's going up tomorrow morning, and I'm counting on you to participate.)

Jen April 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM  

this is such a sweet post. sometimes you have to bring on the sappy and not the silly.
I don't get all this talk about blog stopping. I too must keep blogging.

Casey April 30, 2009 at 8:06 PM  

I struggle with the same emotions every damn day. I know that I'm lucky to be able to stay home with the kids and then I feel so guilty for resenting the feeling of being trapped. I've been trying to appreciate the kids more too instead of being pissy all of the time...

And OH MY, that's one cute kid. I don't think I've ever seen a picture of him before but man, cute cute cute. Elliot asked me to get his number for her...

Mama Kat April 30, 2009 at 8:49 PM  

Totally right. I can't quit blogging because my blog is a testament to my years with my kids right now. Must...keep...blogging. ;)

And if that boy ever takes his mama for granted I will personally swat his teenage booty.

Blicky Kitty May 1, 2009 at 6:19 PM  

Ahhh we all have permission not to be funny and I can so, so relate. Sometimes I feel like I would be a better mom if I worked. I think it's hard to work all your life at education and career objectives only to stop... and do mommy stuff even though it's a beautiful thing for them. I'm applying for jobs right now and everytime one looks promising I feel a nostalgic pang, like I'm being torn away from my lovies even if I've spent the past two days being a cranky mommy. *sigh* there's no perfect solution is there.

Jenners May 1, 2009 at 7:49 PM  

I'm a stay at home mom and there are days (like today) when I HATE it! No one is exempt from having a bad day now and then. It doesn't mean you don't love being a mom or your means that it is hard! It is! Some days I just want to run away...but I don't. But it is OK to fantasize! And I do think "Some day, he will NOT want to be with you all the time. Take it while you can." And it helps ... a bit. But I still look forward to when he goes to bed.

Sprite's Keeper May 1, 2009 at 8:05 PM  

There are times (often!) when I envy SAHM's. I don't like having to ask Sprite what she did today and I choke on my excitement when she shows me a new accomplishment that someone other than myself or John taught her. Then again, I try to imagine how the SAHM's feel at times when there's noone to hand off to, no break time, no three minutes for mama.

H.K. May 2, 2009 at 12:39 PM  

There were so many times, where I was tempted to go back to work, especially since my son went to junior high, but it's hard to find a job where I could be home by the time school got out.

The older my son got, the harder it was to communicate with him and the only time he would talk with me is when I would drive him to his various activities after school. He said it was easier because I was driving and not staring at him.

Now that he's in high school, I've been going to school part time, concentrating on writing, but I still want to be home when he arrives. I really don't think we would have a close relationship if I had gone to work.

Anyway, sorry for the long novel, I guess i'm just feeling very sentimental because I only have one more year with him before he goes to college! Time flies too quickly.



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